Sunday, November 30, 2008

I, Marmee

The Lone Star Baby has started talking about wanting a baby brother. She says she wants a complete family, meaning that she feels like we are missing a part of what her version of a proper family is - she has a mother and father and a sister, but no brother. As obvious as that world view makes her luckiness, her desire for a baby brother still pulls on my heartstrings.

My heart ached to provide a younger sibling to the Lone Star Girl during all the years of her childhood when she was just desperate for one. We needed to wait until we wouldn't have two in daycare, and, more importantly, until Lone Star Pa had a stable and decent wage. In reality, we discovered that we couldn't really afford a baby when we did go ahead and have one, even after our waiting and planning, but we are muddling through. Now, I know that I will probably be too old to have children before we are in a financial and practical place to have another (37 is really already too old, if we are being practical, anyways). I know that the Lone Star Baby will probably not just have to wait too long for her little brother - she probably won't get one at all. That does make me feel sad for her.

I also feel guilty when I consider the fact that in my dreams of more children - which I definitely, impractically have - baby brothers for the Lone Star Baby are notably absent. I never really wanted a son. All my dreams are of daughters. Although I long for a larger family, I like having a cozy house of little women. This reminds me of an essay on Marmee's anger that I read and really related to - read it here if you like. Of course, I am really nothing like Marmee. I have not her calm or her capableness or her virtue. I have her anger, though. And her joy in raising little women. My cozy house of little women.


gojirama said...

I understand- I think I would have had more if money hadn't been an issue- yet I would have wanted more girls.

Andrea said...

Isn't it funny how logic/reality and biology are always arguing over whether you should have more babies? As one with three boys I can't imagine a house of little women (and I admit to never having read it--guess I better read it to myself, since I probably will not read it to a nonexistant daughter).

Saints and Spinners said...

I hear you. My daughter wants a little sister, and sometimes it's poignant that she will probably never have a sibling.

Thanks for posting that article on Marmee's anger. I had a Bad Parenting moment today, and while my daughter and I hugged and forgave each other, I think I'm dealing with the aftershocks more than she is.

We read some of Betsy-Tacy afterward, by the way, and even though I'd read the books all the way through a few times, I'd forgotten that Tacy's baby sister dies in the first book. It's weird how that never impacted me before, and of course now I'll not forget it. Soon after, Betsy's baby sister Margaret is born, and that's when my daughter reminded me again that she wanted a little sister.

Lone Star Ma said...

We all have those moments. I have them pretty much daily now that I have a teen.

I want to re-read my Betsy-Tacy books again!