Through most of the Lone Star Girl's childhood, Lone Star Pa was the typical "involved father" of our culture, meaning that he spent lots of time playing with our daughter, he changed diapers and helped with the things I asked/told him to help with, but that the real responsibilities of parenting, the management aspects of the job, fell to me. I made sure she ate balanced meals and got her shots and got registered for day-care and had clothes to wear, got her homework done and had school supplies, etc. Even then, plenty of idiots would coo over what a great father he was and how lucky I was to have someone who was so involved. Knowing how unequal our arrangement was - we both worked full-time outside the home, after all - it pissed me off that men got so much credit for so little. Still, he did do a lot more than many men I knew - it was a culture-wide problem, obviously, and it was hard to blame him for not being better at equal parenting than every other father I had ever met (except one - I do know one father who is a primary caregiver). Ever since the Lone Star Baby was born, though, Lone Star Pa has stepped up to the plate. She was such a demanding baby that he finally realized the necessity somehow and has been a fairly equal parent ever since. He has come a long way in a short time in a culture that does not ask him to and I am very proud of him. I am still really annoyed by the editorial comments from folks in the culture outside of our home, though. We are not very good at housekeeping stuff - our lives are so crazy-busy - and I often feel judged when people visit my home, little comments that imply that I do not do enough. Lone Star Pa, on the other hand, always gets comments of massive praise for his involvement - how hard it is to work and be such a good daddy, too - how lucky I am. I have never heard anyone tell him how lucky he is that even though his wife has carried the family financially over most of its existence, she has still been such an involved mother - all that breastfeeding and Girl Scouts and First Day School and Room Mother stuff - wow. It pisses me off that the culture praises dads to the high heavens if they make an effort to juggle things but has only criticism for mothers who cannot manage to do everything and have a house that looks like the ones in the magazines, besides. We still have so far to go. It really pisses me off.
3 comments:
You are so cool! Hurray, hurray, hurray!
Some other things that need to change, too:
1)"Babysitting" is done by members outside the immediate family. A father does not "babysit," he caretakes (or whatever you like).
2) Every mother is a working mother. Maybe every mother should get a salary, or at least a stipend, like they do in Sweden.
3) It seems a lot easier for Bede's male friends to get time off in the evening to go out for a beer than it does for my female friends to go out for a beer (or wine, or anything). Why is that the case?
Thank you!
And damn straight! That whole dads "babysitting" thing ticks me off, too.
And parents most definitely should get a stipend for raising children. And everyone should get health insurance regardless of employment status. Maybe if they did, the part-time work that most people would prefer while raising children would be doable. If men used to be able to pay for a family working an 8-hour day, why does it so often take 2 parents working 10 hour days now? Sounds like corporate greed to me. We need the four-hour workday!
And men have way too many nigts off if you ask me - moms need more!
We do indeed have so far left to go, it's been an amazing battle. Hopefully we'll see it in this lifetime. I don't want to wait until the next!
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