Musings on Maternal Judgement

I was filling my car's tank with gas this morning when another car pulled up to an adjacent pump. A woman got out of the car and went in to the convenience store to pay for her gas, leaving a young toddler in the car...alone.

Not alone, really.

She could see the toddler from where she was in the store and I, a woman with a carseat in my backseat as well, was standing right beside her car, after all. It still disturbed me, especially when the tyke unbuckled her carseat and started trying to extricate herself from it. I stood there and watched the baby, just to be sure she was okay, until the woman returned a scant two minutes later. The woman, who probably was not the toddler's mother as she looked old to have a toddler, returned to the car with the expression of someone who expected me to say something or glare. I did neither, as I did not really think that my discomfort with where she drew the line in supervision entitled me to judge her. It still bothered me, though, and that line between worrying about the well-being of kids and being a supportive sister to other mothers comes up a lot, doesn't it? It can be frustrating.

The woman at the gas station may have been okay with leaving the baby in the car because she assumed that I would watch the baby, which I did, after all. In any sane, supportive society, that really should be a safe assumption. My discomfort is indicative of my belief that we do not live in a sane, supportive society, I suppose. More power to the woman if she has more faith in people than I do. And still, it bugged me.

We all have to draw the line somewhere; often, we draw it many times everyday. Texas law says kids have to be nine to be left in a car unsupervised for more than 5 minutes. That seems like a good guideline to me, but other people feel differently. I will leave my toddler in her carseat in the car in the driveway to run into my house and grab something fast if her 11-year-old sister is in the car with her. I believe her sister is enough supervision for that scant minute, but some people would be appalled that I would even leave the older girl in the car. Different lines.

I think most new moms start out pretty judgemental of other moms because we all start out so insecure about our own choices, but ideally, most of that wears off as we develop tolerance for differences and understanding of the challenges and ambiguity of parenting. It doesn't always wear off, though. I personally feel judged pretty often, since my family's values are so out of the mainstream. I am generally the only person nursing a two-year-old at school events and my eleven-year-old is generally the only one who wants to organize political demonstrations at school, so we get noticed. That can be hard, but I am pretty comfortable with who we are. That threatens people, too, though. The fact that I am very big on breastfeeding and carseats, for example, often makes other mothers assume that I will look down on them for making other choices. I don't.

I advocate for what I feel is right, but I totally get that we are all in different places. I do not approve of everything I see other parents doing in public, any more than they apprve of my ways all the time...but variety is the spice of life, after all. Things may occasionally disturb me enough that I feel I have to do something to assure a child's safety or well-being, like watching the toddler today, but I still sympathize with other moms and caregivers, even in those particular situations. Even in worse situations. When there has been something horrible in the news and I hear people talking about not understanding how someone could abuse a child, for example, I have to wonder how much time that person actually spends with children. I used to work for Child Protective Services and I am one of those parents who never, ever hits, but I totally understand the impulse. I don't think it ever helps to believe that we are better than other parents and caregivers. Everyone loves their kids. No one wants to cross the wrong line. We are all different, but we all need each other. I think we should all be in this together.